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CUTwC Drinking Games

Please note that most of these rules are from the author's memory, and even ignoring the whim of finesmasters may be inaccurate. If any deviation from common practice is noted, please let me know.



While the primary game of the members of C.U.Tw.C. is, of course, the noble sport of tiddlywinks, these versatile souls partake of a number of other games, often based around the concept of imbibing some of a beverage as a fine. Hence, these activities are popular in the bar after meetings, and towards the less hectic end of pub crawls.

For the purposes of this page, the masculine pronoun is used to refer to the player of a drinking game. This is for brevity and in no way an indication that any of these games are gender-specific - some of our finest drinkers are female.

Before we go on to a detailed description of a game or two, the fining system should be slightly clarified. The fines assume that the finee is drinking a pint of beer; some conversion is usually agreed for anyone suicidal enough to play a drinking game on spirits. The basic unit of fining is the finger - there are eight fingers in a pint. If someone tells you to "drink a fine", they probably mean a finger. Naturally, this amount roughly equates to lowering the level of the drink by the width of a finger. Games with high fines are often played with pencils, where a pencil is half a finger, or even a waffer (half a pencil). Some games require some multiple of this basic quantity to be drunk. It is traditional to drink one's fine before resuming participation in the game.

Someone who is seated at the table but not included in a game, for example because he still has to drink his fine, is referred to as "whitebait" (as in a particularly puny fish), and should not be dealt into a card game, and cannot be considered as present in other games. It is traditional to indicate that one is "whitebait" by placing the back of one's hand on one's forehead, with optional finger wiggling to emulate a sea anemone.


Non-card games

Squop-Bristol

Squop-Bristol, best played with a relatively large number (say 6-15) of participants, is a game where one player at a time makes what, for want of a better word, I'll call a move. This move dictates which participant is to make a move next. If a player fails to notice that he is required to act within a short time period (normally a second or so), he is required to drink a fine (it's normally played with finger fines). The same applies to any participant acting under the mistaken impression that it his turn so to do. Additionally, if the player does not make his move clear, he will likely be fined.

One participant is deemed to be finesmaster for the duration of the game (unless he relinquishes his authority voluntarily). The finesmaster's word is final in all things to do with fining and rules aribitration. The finesmaster also indicates which player is to make the first move. Normally the game stops whenever a fineable offence occurs, and the finesmaster picks a new participant to start. The finesmaster cannot simultaneously be Club Smith - if the finesmaster incurs Smithood, another player must act as regent until someone else becomes Club Smith. (It is traditional to mime the transfer of a crown to let everyone see this.)

A further complication to this game is the rule of Club Smith. Any player who plays the fourth squop in a row, the fourth Bristol in a row (if Bristols and squops have been swapped), the fourth in a sequence consisting only of Penhaligons, John Lennon memorial shots, kippers and herrings, the fourth Jings in a row, the fourth Crivens in a row (if Jings and Crivens have been swapped), or the fourth in a sequence consisting only of M'chte me and help me Bob, becomes Club Smith (and has to drink a fine). If it is the Club Smith's turn to act and he has the opportunity to complete four in a row, he has to do so (and drink the fine) or drink a double fine. The finesmaster may declare victimisation rules to be in force if people are picking on the Club Smith, in which case the person sending the third-in-a-row to the Club Smith must also drink a fine. The only way to stop being Club Smith is for someone else to accidentally complete a four-in-a-row and take over the mantle. The Club Smith is required to wear some indicative attire during his Smithood, typically something that restricts his vision, making the game harder. Common options are a club scarf wrapped around the head, or, where available, the Cool Dude Shades (roll-up eclipse glasses).

Most of the moves have hand movements, which aid in clarifying which move has been made, and also allow the game to be played without calling moves, for example in loud pubs. Normally the name of the move is called out when the move is played.

The valid moves are:

Squop image Squop (hand movement: one hand covering the other in the manner a wink squopping another wink does) makes the next player to act the one at whom the current player is looking. Playing the fourth squop in a row makes you Club Smith. The first move must always be a squop (or a Jings, if Scottish moves are in play).
Bristol image Bristol (hand movement: cupping one's breasts, in honour of Cockney rhyming slang) makes the next player to act the one who sent a squop to the current player. A Bristol may only be played after a squop, and the player must look at a player that is not the player who will act next. Especially in the trappist version of squop/Bristol (as described below) where laughter invokes a fine, it is common to make suggestive movements such as emulating rotating nipple tassles, rubbing one's nipples, or tipping one's imaginary breasts off an imaginary tray. There is a tendency, which is discouraged, for novices to turn a Bristol into a shrugging motion around shoulder height, which is considered poor form and anatomically implausible. (We aim to educate.)
Penhaligon image Penhaligon (hand movement: double-handed pot-style bring-in, as for an intentional Penhaligon) makes the next player to act the one standing/sitting immediately to the right of the player of the Penhaligon. Penhaligon has the additional effect of swapping the meaning of squop and Bristol (such that a Bristol makes the next player to act the one the player of the Bristol is looking at, a squop makes the player who Bristolled to the current player the next to play - and a different player must be looked at, a squop may only follow a Bristol, and four Bristols in a row makes the player of the fourth Club Smith). A second Penhaligon re-inverts squop and Bristol. Playing the fourth move in a sequence of four consisting of only Penhaligons, John Lennon memorial shots and fish makes the player Club Smith (as with the fourth consecutive squop). Note that one must look at someone - peering at one's hands while playing the shot is illegal, otherwise how would you know where to aim the Penhaligon?
John Lennon memorial shot image John Lennon memorial shot (hand movement: making a gun with both hands, and "firing" it) makes the next player to act the one to the left of the current player (and in that aspect is the opposite of a Penhaligon). A John Lennon memorial shot has no effect on the behaviour of squop and Bristol, however. Playing the fourth move in a sequence of four consisting of only Penhaligons, John Lennon memorial shots and fish makes the player Club Smith (as with the fourth consecutive squop). One must "shoot" another player, not the table or mid-air, and the recipient must not be the next to play after the Lennon. Traditionally, to aid memory of the difference between a Lennon and a Penhaligon, the "recoil" of the shot pushes the "gun" past one's left ear.
When players are new to the game, it is traditional to stick with these moves until they've found their feet. Then we get onto the more advanced moves, starting with the fish. The fish moves often cause the game to break down quickly.
Herring image Herring (hand movement: hand held vertical, and wiggled from side to side while moving away from the player, as an impression of a herring) makes the next participant to move the one who immediately follows the player of the herring, in alphabetical order (wrapping), with the current Club Smith given the name "Smith" for considerations of alphabetical order. In addition, a herring swaps the sense of Penhaligon and John Lennon memorial shot - i.e. a Penhaligon makes the next player to act the one to the left of the player of the Penhaligon, and a John Lennon memorial shot sends to the right. Rules are particularly variable on whether the full meaning or just the direction is swapped, but currently it is more likely that an odd number of herrings makes a John Lennon memorial shot (not Penhaligon) invert the meanings of squop and Bristol. A second herring restores the original behaviour of Penhaligon and John Lennon memorial shot. Playing a herring after three consecutive moves consisting of only Penhaligons, John Lennon memorial shots and fish makes the player of the herring Club Smith.
Kipper image Kipper (hand movement: hand held horizontal, and flapped up and down while moving towards the player, as an impression of a kipper flopping around in a frying pan) makes the next participant to move the one who immediately precedes the player of the kipper, in alphabetical order (wrapping), with the Club Smith being given the name "Smith" for considerations of alphabetical order, and in that sense is the reverse of a herring - but it has no effect on Penhaligon and John Lennon memorial shot. It is customary to review names before starting. Playing a kipper after three moves consisting only of Penhaligons, John Lennon memorial shots and fish makes the player of the kipper Club Smith.

Here is a textual description of a game. We'll assume that the players are arranged in a circle, with the players numbered as with the numbers on a clock face (as seen from above). Hence, player 1 is to the left of player 12. The players are:

  1. Matt
  2. Jessica
  3. Timmy
  4. SLU
  5. James
  6. Andrew
  7. Sly
  8. Patrick (finesmaster)
  9. Benedict
  10. Stew
  11. Christine
  12. Phil

A game could go like this:

8: (To 3) "Starting without fish, Timmy will begin."
3: (To 5) "Squop" (5 goes next)
5: (To 6) "Squop" (6 goes next)
6: (To 11) "Bristol" (back to 5)
5: (To 2) "Squop" (2 goes next)
2: "John Lennon memorial shot" (left one, to 3)
3: "John Lennon memorial shot" (left one, to 4)
4: "Penhaligon" (right one, to 3, swaps squop and Bristol)
3: (To 6) "Bristol" (6 goes next)
6: (To 8) "Squop" (back to 3)
3: "Penhaligon" (right one, to 2, restores squop and Bristol)
2: (To 12) "Squop"
12: (To 9) "Squop"
9: (To 4) "Squop"
4: (To 5) "Squop... damn."

4 has to drink a fine, and is now Club Smith (the worst mistake to make).

8: (To 4) "SLU is Club Smith. Please drink a fine, and then start, Mr Smith"
4: (Glug) (To 12) "Squop"
12: "Penhaligon"
11: (To 9) "Bristol"
9: (To 3) "Bristol"
3: (To 4) "Bristol"
4: (Sigh) (To 3) "Bristol" (Had the four in a row not been completed, a double fine would have been invoked)
8: "Thank you Mr Smith. Please drink a fine, and Stew will start."
10: (To 3) "Squop" (This is a new game, so everything is restored)
3: (To 5) "Bristol"
etc...

After a while, it's decided to introduce fish.

8: "So fish are now in, and I will start." (To 1) "Squop"
1: (To 8) "Squop"
8: (To 1) "Squop"
1: (To 3) "Bristol"
8: (To 1) "Squop"
1: (To 8) "Squop"
8: (To 1) "Squop"
1: "Herring" (Matt precedes Patrick, who goes next)
8: "Penhaligon" (Acts as a Lennon after an odd number of Herrings)
9: (To 3) "Squop"
3: (To 4) "Bristol"
9: (To 5) "Squop"
5: "John Lennon memorial shot" (Acts as a Penhaligon)
4: (To 6) "Bristol"
6: (To 3) "Bristol"
3: (To 4) "Squop"
6: "Herring" (Andrew precedes Benedict, who goes next)
9: (To 5) "Bristol"
5: "Kipper" (James follows Christine, who goes next)
11: (To 6) "Bristol"
6: (To 11) "Squop... damn"

Here Andrew has made a mistake, because he should be looking at a player other than the one who goes next. In the same way, Matt would not be allowed to look at Patrick when playing the first Bristol of the game. Andrew drinks a fine, but SLU is still Club Smith. If Sly played a herring, SLU would go next, with his virtual name of "Smith" (and for as long as SLU is club Smith, Sly kippers to Phil).

That completes the game as usually played in England, but there are also Scottish equivalents to some of these moves, and it has been known for the Scottish moves to be considered legal in an English game. [Ed note: My only experience of these is with purely vocal versions - i.e. no hand movements. If a member of ScoTwA is able to correct me, I'd appreciate it.]

Jings is the equivalent of a squop, but note that a Penhaligon only swaps squops and Bristols, not Jings and Crivens. A Jings is a legal starting move, and Bristol is a valid response to a Jings.

Crivens is the equivalent of a Bristol, and may only be played after a Jings (or a squop), or after a Bristol when an odd number of Penhaligons have been played.

M'chte me is the equivalent of a John Lennon memorial shot, and makes the next player to act the one to the left of the player of the M'chte me. Note that a kipper only affects the direction of Penhaligon and John Lennon memorial shot, not of M'chte me or help me Bob.

Help me Bob is the equivalent of a Penhaligon, and makes the next player to act the one to the right of the player of the help me Bob. In addition, the meanings of Jings and Crivens are inverted (as Penhaligon does to squop and Bristol). As the ScotTwA pages indicate, this should really be pronounced "help ma boab".

There are also cruel rumours of an Arbroath Smokie, but I've yet to experience one in a context other than breaking down the game. The hand action for an Arbroath Smokie is an arm held out at ninety degrees to the body, with the hand hanging loose below it, in the style of a smoked fish.

Another move that may be allowed is "tales of the unexpected" - which is played by waving arms vertically across each other wrists upwards, crossing and uncrossing one's wrists in front of one's face while singing the instrumental theme to the "Tales the Unexpected" TV show. (The title sequence of which includes a silhouette of a woman dancing in this way.) The person at which the player of the "tales of the unexpected" move is looking should be transfixed and emulate a "rabbit in the headlamps" (eyes wide open, frozen in horror, possibly with horrified hands waving on either side of the face). This should continue until someone other than these two says "tish-boom", miming smacking cymbals together followed by banging a drum. At that point, play continues with the recipient of the tish-boom.

It is possible (and common) to play squop-Bristol silently, in a "trappist" manner. In this case, nobody is allowed to make any noise, even unrelated to the game, on pain of fining. The hand moves should be sufficient to allow moves to be indicated. The finesmaster invites people to start by beckoning to them, and the need to drink a fine is indicated by the finesmaster raising a fist at the finee. If someone needs to say something, he should first grasp the prenominated "scoobydoobydoo device", say "scoobydoobydoo", followed by whatever needs to be said. This incurs a fine, but a smaller fine than would otherwise be incurred. If chaos breaks out and the finesmaster wishes to allow speech again, he sings "silence is broken" to the tune of the first three words of "Morning has Broken". The introduction of silence at the beginning of the game and after a "silence is broken" is invoked by the finesmaster saying "three, two, one..." while raising the appropriate number of fingers in style of Ted Rogers, followed by spreading ones hands face down as if to still waters.

A recent variation of this game requires the initiator of a sequence to start with "squop-category", where "category" is of that player's choice. For example, a player may choose to start with "squop-cheeses". For that round, players of a "Penhaligon" or "John Lennon Memorial Shot" must suffix or prefix that move by an element of that category (for example, "Penhaligon-Brie"). It is an error to repeat a previously-named element, or to fail to name an element. The first player may also start with "squop-more-of-the-same" (in which case, it is still a mistake to repeat an entry which was named in the previous round). An even-more recent variation combines this with the trappist version of the game, in which the finesmaster names a category and players are expected to mime entries in the named category after making the move for Penhaligon or John Lennon Memorial Shot.

An extremely rare version of trappist squop/Bristol/Penhaligon/John Lennon Memorial Shot uses suggestive movements instead (to increase the odds of someone being fined by laughing). In this variant, a squop is represented by winking at someone, a Bristol by blowing a kiss, a Lennon by poking one's right finger in one's mouth and pushing on one's left cheek, and a Penhaligon by moving one's tongue over one's upper lip from left to right.


Nurdle-boondock

Nurdle-boondock is a counting game. The finesmaster indicates which player will begin, and that player will start by saying either "to my left, one" or "to my right, one". The player seated next to the starting player in the direction specified will then say "two", and play will continue in that direction with the following players. When "five" or any multiple of five, or any number involving a five is reached (e.g. all the fifties, ten...) the player will say "nurdle", and the next player will be skipped (although counting continues at the next number). When "seven" or any multiple of seven, or any number involving a seven is reached (e.g. 14, 17, 73) then the player will say "boondock" and the direction of play reverses (so the player before the current one plays after him as well). When "nine" or any multiple of nine, or any number involving a nine is reached (19, 91, 63) the player will say "penhaligon", and the numbers on which nurdles and boondocks are activated reverse. 25 is traditionally "prefix-cod", where "prefix" is whatever 25 would otherwise have been in the version being played (this originating in an error in nurdle-boondock-category). Nines are sometimes excluded while introducing the game to novices.

One variant is nurdle-boondock-category, in which "penhaligon" is replaced by a word (different each time) from a particular category - the aforemention "cod" derived from an aberrant fish category. There are two variants on this - either the category can be named by the initiator of the round (e.g. "types of cheese, to my left, one") or the category can be implicit, and each Penhaligon should be an entry which is in a possible category; an apparent lack of plausible connection can be challenged, and the player must justify his move.

For example, "to my left, one", "two", "three", "four", "nurdle", "six", "boondock", "eight", "a movie", "boondock", "eleven", "twelve", "thirteen", "nurdle", "boondock", "sixteen", "nurdle", "the sky", "cheese", "challenge". In this case, the player of "cheese" could respond that the category could be "things that can be blue", escaping a fine. (The failed challenger is then fined.) It is up to the finesmaster to request that the category be reset, otherwise it is invalid to repeat any elements in the category that have been named since that category began. It is normal to try to distract the next player by picking a comedy entry in the category.

"Bibble" "bibble" "hic" is another variant that is rarely-played - in this case, every move is "bibble" (including the numbers), but the order of play is in traditional nurdle/boondock/Penhaligon fashion. Note that one might expect "bibble bibble" for numbers such as twenty-seven, and "bibble-cod" for 25. A related variant is to sing the words to the Club Anthem (one at a time) instead of saying "bibble".

Nurdle-boondock-gromp replaces the "penhaligon" with a "gromp", in which the player to say "gromp" indicates (by looking at someone) who is to make the next move. Direction of play is not reversed.

To solve the problem of experienced players having the unfair advantage of having memorised the early numbers (knowing the thirteen-nurdle-boondock-sixteen-nurdle-penhaligon-penhaligon-boondock-nurdle-twenty-two sequence by rote is particularly useful), an option is to draw the numbers on which nurdles, boondocks and penhaligons are to be applied randomly, rather than sticking to 5, 7 and 9. Another variant is Brussels 2007, in which Nurdle-Boondock is played in French, without Penhaligons, but starting on random numbers.

To assist novices, there is a page with the first few numbers of the default version of Nurdle-Boondock-Penhaligon here. Of course, this only tells you what the numbers are, not who should be saying them.


Angle dangle

Angle Dangle is a game which should increase CUTwC's proficiency in trivia contests and at pub quiz machine, but, strangely, hasn't. The players (ideally eight or more) are arranged in a ring, typically around a table. One player starts (sometimes nominated by the finesmaster, sometimes spontaneously), by calling "To my " ("right" or "left", depending on the desired direction of play of the originator), "Angle Dangle, Flobblelob, and away...we...go." At the point of "go", the participants, in sync, start a four-beat rhythmic movement, as follows.

On the first beat, the players clap their palms on their thighs or the table. On the second beat, they clap their hands together. On the third beat the fingers of the right hand are clicked, and on the fourth beat the fingers of the left hand are clicked. The sequence then returns to clapping the thighs/table. The entire sequence takes one and a half to two seconds.

Keeping time in this way, after the first iteration of the cycle (when the first beat, hitting the thighs, is reached again), the player who started will call out "give" (in sync with the thigh clapping), "me..." (in sync with the hand clapping). The hand hand clicking beats are then undertaken with no calling out. Throughout the game, where players are required to call anything, whatever is said must be spoken with one word for each of the first two beats, and nothing said for the second two beats. Multiple sequences may be used to say anything longer than two words - although long words may be broken to multiple beats if necessary, and several short words are sometimes compacted to a single beat.

The starting player will, by this point, have picked a category. The aim of the game is to go through all the players, each naming an item which has not previously been mentioned in the category. Whichever player fails to think of an original category member in time stops the round, and drinks a fine. Someone else then starts, either with a new category, or with a traditional "Give me" (click click) "more of the same" (click click) "starting with" (click click).

When the starting player has thought of a category, it will also be called out on the beats, after the "give me". Most categories are "names of...", "types of..." and so on (with the occasional "things you find... in bottles..."). The originator has to give an example, so "starting with" (click click) followed by an example is appended. Hence "Give me" (click click) "names of" (click click) "stations on" (click click) "the Circle Line" (click click) "starting with" (click click) "Liverpool Street" would be a typical start.

Having got this far, the next player in the prescribed direction of play must also call an element in the category (e.g. "King's Cross") and the next person must follow on. This continues until someone fails (often because the previous player chose the same category entry that the current player was about to say - "always have two" - or because of ineptitude - "always have one")..

If it is doubted that there are sufficient elements in a category to allow all the players involved to have at least one turn, a player may challenge the originator by shouting "Challenge" before play passes to the next player. The originator must then name a different member of his category (on the beats) for each player. If he cannot do so, a large fine is incurred. If he succeeds, the player who challenged must drink a (normal) fine.

While "give me" (click click) "ways of" (click click) "amigossing a pint" (click click) "starting with" (click click) glug has been known, it relies on people laughing too much to challenge.


Bunny Hands

Bunny hands is a reaction game. There is a finesmaster, who keeps track of mistakes and who is responsible for inviting someone to start (typically with a beckoning motion).

The player whose turn it currently is (henceforth the "active player") should place the thumb of each hand on the opposite side of his head and wave his fingers in a manner simulating (usually poorly) the twitching of a rabbit's ears. The player may do this as long as he wishes, so long as the thumbs do not leave the sides of the head. The player to the left of the active player must show a similar "right ear" (right hand raised and wiggling, with a thumb on the right side of the head) and the player to the right of the active player must similarly show a "left ear" - that is, the adjacent players show an "ear" on the side nearest to the active player.

The active player may make another player active in one of two ways: Firstly, he may remove both thumbs from his head and point at the new player to become active with both hands. Secondly, he may drop one "ear" - in which case the player adjacent to the remaining "ear" becomes active.

If a player is too slow to perform the appropriate action with his hands, or if a player makes an inappropriate action (even twitching), he will incur a fine. It is common to "play the let" for minor infractions so that the game continues, but the player may be encouraged to drink when the game next breaks down.

Since part of the aim of the game is to bluff a player into making a mistake, action is often fast. There is therefore typically a "two wiggle rule" to ensure that a player must be active for at least a minimum time before making another player active.

Variants of bunny hands include "Brussels metro doors" (in which the active player moves his fists together in the style of doors on an underground train and the adjacent players emulate a single door by moving their outermost hands toward the active player, while a noise of a stuck door is made) and "gay mutant ninja charioteers" in which the active player cracks a whip (making a cracking noise) and the adjacent players whinny and emulate rearing horses - the active player being passed by "releasing the whip". For some reason, these games seem to attract odd looks.

Hungarian Fisting

Hungarian fisting is a reaction game which requires that all players sit around a single table with each arm overlapping the arm of the player on that side. Initially, each player places his hand palm-down on the table. The finesmaster invites someone's left or right hand (or, later, fist) to start, which is done with the incantation "to my clockwise" or "to my anticlockwise" (both as seen from above the table). The player must then strike the table either once or twice with the active hand.

If a hand hits the table once, the next hand in the specified direction must play. If a hand hits the table twice in rapid succession, direction of play is reversed. Once a player makes an error, either by playing out of turn, being too slow, or twitching at the wrong moment, the game breaks down, he must drink a fine, and the offending hand is turned into a fist. In addition to hurting more when banged on a table, the fist inverts the sense of a single and double knock. An error by a fisted hand reverts that hand to a flat configuration.


Card games

Note that for most of these games the deal and order of play is traditionally clockwise, although that's not compulsory.

Yogi's Whist

For a small number of players (4-8)

Yogi's Whist is closely based on normal whist, and is played with a full deck, with a single joker. Four cards are dealt to each player, and the top card of the remaining deck is turned up, the suit of which indicates the trump suit. Having looked at their cards, each player will choose one of the cards he has been dealt to place on the table in front of himself. This card is the player's bid, and its suit indicates the number of tricks that the player hopes to win. A diamond equates to zero, a spade to one, a heart to two, and a club to three (think of it as the number of blobs on the suit indicator). This order is also relevant in a number of other card games, and will often be called "Yogi's Whist order".

When all the players have placed a bid card on the table, each player, in the order to which they were dealt, has the opportunity to "declare", "reveal", or indicate that they wish to do neither by saying "no". If a previous player has indicated an intention to declare, the remaining players may either say "no" (and thus let the declaring player do so), or reveal. If a player indicates that he will reveal, no further players are queried.

We will come back to declaring and revealing shortly, and for now assume that all the players have said "no", in which case the players play in the order to which they were dealt. The first player will lead a card, and (as with normal whist) each following player, in turn, must place another card of the same suit on it if the player has one. If not, a card must be thrown away (on top of the played cards). If, unable to play a card of the suit led, a player plays a card of the suit of the card turned up, he will have "trumped" the trick.

Once all the players have played a card, the winner of a trick is the player of the highest card of the trump suit which has been played, if any, or failing that the player of the highest card which has been played (aces high) of the suit of the lead card. A joker counts as the turn-up card, both in play and when bidding. The winning player collects the pile of played cards and places it in front of him (to allow the other players to keep track of the number of tricks each player has won). The winning player gets to lead the next trick.

Once all three tricks have been played, those players who have "made" their bid (i.e. won the number of tricks that their bid card predicted) will place their bid cards on their foreheads, showing the value of the card, to allow fines to be calculated. Normally a finesmaster will be keeping track. Those players who have not made their bid will drink one fine (Yogi's is normally played with pencil fines) for each player who has made their bid, plus one. i.e. if five people are playing and two make their bids, the remaining players must drink a fine of three (pencils) each. The deal then revolves one player to the left.

Now for the bit that makes the game interesting: declaring and revealing. If a player chooses to declare (and no other player stops him by revealing), then after the first card is led the declaring player turns over his bid card so that the other players can see it. If a player has declared and makes his bid, two of the fining unit are added to the fines of all the other players (e.g. if one of the players who made in the above example declared, the other player who made would drink two pencils and the others five). If a player has declared and fails to make his bid, that player has four fining units added to his fine. Hence a player is wise to declare only if confident he can make his bid.

Revealing is a similar, but more extreme, concept. The revealing player turns over his bid card at the time he reveals (before a leading card is played), and can then choose which player will lead (he may choose to lead himself). After the first card has been played to lead the first hand, the player who has revealed must expose his remaining cards so that the other players can see them. Hence the other players can see any weaknesses in his hand and play to exploit them, if they can. If a revealing player makes his bid, all the other players have four fining units added to their fines; if he fails then he adds eight fining units to his fine.

Note that it's only making one's bid that matters, not actually winning tricks. Therefore the 2,3,4 and 5 of diamonds is a very strong hand (at least unless diamonds are trumps), and worth revealing on. On the other hand, unless clubs are trumps, the 2,3,4 and 5 of clubs is a very bad hand.

The last detail is that if, and only if, the card turned up as the trump card is a nine, then the nines form a suit of their own (with increasing value in the same order as the bid cards). A club and three nines if a nine is a trump card is therefore a very strong suit. Note that nines used as bid cards count as their normal suit. A joker as the turn-up card also makes nines the current suit. It's traditional not to remind people about nines until after the event.

Yogi's Whist was presented to the Club at a weekly Formal Hall by Nick Inglis on the 19th of May 1986, as a derivative of the three-player (mostly) trick-taking game Ninety Nine - not to be confused with the Ninety Nine that's the origin of Glengariff 99. Nick also introduced the pencil as a fining unit at the same time, despite Stew's protestations that this would "not involve enough drinking" (an objection that was shortly retracted). A blind, deaf bear at Knaresborough Zoo was dying with much media fuss at the time and the game was named in his honour. On anniversaries of the invention of the game, scores are traditionally kept for the evening's play (in addition, obviously, to fine drinking).


Tøppen

A game for a small number of players (4-8)

Tøppen (I'll call it that for now, since there is some debate over the actual spelling) is played either with cards specific to it, or with a shortened deck. It's most distinguishing feature is the card value order with a normal deck: starting at the top the order is 10, 9, 8, 7, ace, king, queen, jack, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2. Normally eight cards more than the number required by the players are in the pack that is dealt (the non-dealt cards being called the drip sac), and the other cards are put aside; there are no jokers. If many players are participating, a drip sac of 4 may be used (it has been suggested that the drip sac should be reduced to four before sixes are introduced into play).

The aim of tøppen is to win the last hand. Each player is dealt four cards, two at a time. At this point, if a player feels that he has no chance of winning, he may fold ab initio by placing his cards face down on the table, and drink a single fine.

The player first dealt to then leads a card, played immediately in front of him. The remaining players, in order, must then follow suit, and also play their cards in front of themselves. The player who has played the highest valued card of the led suit (according to the card value order mentioned above) gets to lead the next hand.

Whenever a player is going to play, he may choose to "knock" (by rapping his knuckles on the table). The other players are then each given an opportunity to fold (in which case their remaining cards are placed face down on the table and a fine is imbibed), or to indicate that they wish to stay in by saying "pah". The "current" fine is then increased by one. Low numbered cards are often used as a die to keep count of the current fine; a player going out due to folding or losing the final hand is then required to drink the number of fining units shown on the die. Note that the die starts at one - folding on the first knock and folding ab initio are equivalent. Note that if all but the knocking player fold, the knocking player wins and does not have to show any unplayed cards. Hence knocking is both a means of increasing the fine for your opponents (assuming you win - you drink more if you lose) and a means of bluffing.

If a player knocks more than once with no other player knocking in between, the potential fine for that player (only) is doubled, in addition to a normal increment. You can't knock twice without playing in between. Hence if a player is the only player to have knocked, and knocks twice, the fine is three for everyone else, but six for that player. Further knocks not interrupted by a knock from someone else produce further doubling - a third knock would give a fine of four for everyone else, and sixteen (a pint, assuming pencil fines) for the knocker. Note that if there are eight players, all of whom knock (so the fine is nine), the last player knocks every hand, wins the second from last hand (and so goes first in the last hand), and all the other players choose to knock again, then if no-one folds the player who multiple-knocked has a potential (8+4+7)x8 = 8.5 pint fine (on pencils) if he loses. Even less extreme circumstances can produce very high fines, and a six pint fine has I believe been seen in reality. Two pint fines are relatively common.

As a historical note, tøppen is traditionally played on finger fines (and was started on finger fines), but general practice involves pencil fines.

Given that, a word of warning for the frisky: while there are unbeatable hands, bear in mind that if you're not leading, many good cards may not be played. For example, if you have the tens of diamonds, spades and hearts and the nine of clubs, someone with the ten of clubs can win the first hand. If he then wins with the seven of clubs (you throw away, arbitrarily, the spade), the seven of spades (you throw away the heart) and the seven of hearts (your last card is a diamond) then it can all go horribly wrong. That said, knocking when you're not leading is not necessarily something done at risk if you see your opponents failing to follow a suit, and knocking as a bluff in the last hand can be particularly effective. Note that a very low last card can win if no-one else can follow suit.

After a hand has been played, the deal passes to the winning player.


Conjectures

Ed Wynn introduced Conjectures in Winking World 68. Here follows a transcription of his account (by permission of Ed).

Edward Wynn describes Conjectures

Conjectures is a new drinking game.

The game hase been found to work well for groups of around eight players. In an initial burst of enthusiasm, it has been played by groups of a dozen or more. It probably wouldn't work so well for small groups. The game is intended for the Famous Winkers Cards, but until they arrive (and they are like the days of the Son of Man, "the time will come when you will long to see one..., but they will not come") normal playing cards will do.

The cards are in a strict order of superiority: all Aces are higher than all Kings, and so on, and the suits are in the order of bids in Yogi's Whist: Clubs are higher than Hearts, Spades and Diamonds, in that order. For a typical group, a standard 52-card pack is shortened by removing all cards lower than a Six - the intention being that the chance of at least one Ace (for example) being held is fairly high but not very high. Different numbers of cards are necessary only for extreme numbers of players.

The terminology of the game has a sexual theme, hence the name `Conjectures' (as in Liz Baggage - verb. sop.).

Each player is dealt one card face down, and may immediately look at its face. In a typical game, there will be several rounds of so-called Exposure, of which each player can join only one. The basic aim of the game is to win the round that you join.

The player who has the highest Exposed card in a round has won and is not fined; he may be said to be Well-Endowed. Every other player in that round is fined according to the Shortcoming between his card and the Well-Endowed player's. To announce a round, a nominated player calls out "Three ... two ... one ... BID!". Ot the instant of the "B" in "BID!", all players with their cards touching their foreheads (still face down, or rather face-to-face) have joined that round. They show their cards, and the fines are allocated and drunk in a more or less self-policing way.

The fines already mentioned (and quantified below) make it undesirable to join a round and not win it. Why then should you ever join the first few rounds? Why not just wait until all the high cards have gone, so that you are definitely Well-Endowed? The reason is this: if there is a round in which the Well-Endowed player's card is lower than yours, you will be said to be Softly Spoken and you will be fined more heavily than players who Expose their Shortcomings. So, there's a balance between Exposing earlier than the ideal round (and revealing a Shortcoming) and not Exposing until it's too late (and being Softly Spoken, also known as Staying In The Closet). If you skilfully wait until the ideal round, then you are said to have demonstrated Anal Retention, which is apparently desirable.

The fining system now described is compatible with standard playing cards and sturdy constitutions. Fines are measured in Pencils. (A Pencil, as you probably know, is half a Finger, which is one eighth of a punt of beer.) The fine for a Shortcoming is (1 + denominator difference); for example, if you Expose an Eight but the highest Exposed card is a Ten, your denominator difference is (10-8) and your fine is 3. The fine for being Softly Spoken is (1 + 2 × denominator difference); for example, if you fail to Expose a Ten when the highest Exposed card is an Eight, your fine is 5. If you are Softly Spoken, it is in your best interest to admit it, because you will not be allowed to profit from concealing it. The players who have joined the roud or are Softly Spoken do not participate in subsequent rounds. If only one player remains, he shows his card (to demonstrate that he hasn't been Softly Spoken) and then drinks a single fine for being Asexual; the game is over.

It may happen that no-one joins a round. In this case (known as Mass Buggery), only the player with the lowest card escapes; all other remaining players are fined according to the formula of (1 + denominator difference), and the game ends. If you were holding a King, and someone else the Six of Diamonds, you are subject to a half-pint fine. This is (arguably) bad. However, if that player with the Six were the only player to join a round, then you would be subject to the higher Soft-Speaking fines - in this case, a short head away from a pint. He would have shafted everyone; he would be a Stud. This is a popular ambition, but a would-be Stud runs the risk of Exposing a significant Shortcoming if someone else joins the round.

The player announcing the round should not vary the pace of calling, and should be particularly careful not to hesitate before "BID!". To join a round, your card must be toughing your forehead at the instant of "B". To clearly not join, your card must be touching the table (or your knee if no table is to hand). To be anywhere in between is to be Unsure of One's Orientation; you are given a single fine, and you have not joined the round. This calls for a careful judgement, preferably agreed among the other players. It can be important to see who else is Exposing himself, so it is forbidden to "cabbage" (i.e., to move an empty hand in semblance of Exposure). It is perfectly acceptable to change your orientation during the countdown, though. The face-down cards that are still in the game should remain visible (so that it is clear how many there are); cards that have been used should be put in a central face-up pile. To give players a chance to wake up and check their cards, the announcer may count down from "Five" on the first round of a game.

Game should follow game as quickly as possible, so anyone can deal. The cards don't have to be shuffled too often (except that all the Aces and Kings eventually bunch together). The dealer and the announcer shouldn't be fined for venial mistakes, except when the announcer hesitates for his own good. As with many drinking games, a player should make an effort to drink the fines from one game before the next game's fine arrives. If this is completely impractical, he should announce this and sit out for the minimum period to catch up. However, no-one should drink so much that they do themselves permanent physical or spiritual harm. I should know.


Buckets of shite

BoS (or just "buckets") is played with a shortened deck, with no jesters and four cards more than the number the players require (although an eight card drip sac has been known to work with a sufficiently large number of players). Fives are included in the shortened deck - hence with five players the fives, aces, kings, queens, jacks and tens will be in play. The game is best played with a small number of people (4-8).

Each player is dealt four cards, and the remaining cards in the deck in play are placed in the centre of the playing area as a target (some variations have no target). All drinks are best cleared from the playing area.

The dealer then calls "three...two...one...pass" (with an even tempo, and about two seconds spent over the whole, although the rate tends to increase as time passes in a given hand), and at the moment of "pass", each player must pass one card to the next player in the direction of the deal. If at any point, including at the start, a player has a winning hand, he may put his hand on the target (if present - just on the table if not). The other players must then place their hands on top of the lowest player, and the last player to put his hand on the pile has to drink a double fine (i.e. two fingers, traditionally). The winning player then deals the next hand.

A "winning hand" is either four cards of the same numerical value, or a straight flush (cards of consecutive increasing value in the same suit). Bluffing is allowed - some (not all) variants allow hitting the target so long as you're not pinned their by the other players, and if there is a target then hitting the table beside the target is also reasonable. However, being the player with his hand on the target and not having a winning hand (known as "revoking") will invoke a half pint fine.

Fives are a complication. If a player wins with four fives, all the other players must drink a pint fine (some variants are more lenient). However, each five you have in your hand at the time a hand finishes is worth a fine. An optional rule is that three fives in a player's hand requires that player to buy a round of whisky, although a pint (or even half pint) fine is sometimes considered a valid substitution. Hence fives often get passed on, and four fives are relatively rare.


Royal and Ancient involves dealing four cards to everybody. After seeing their cards, there is a vote for whether tøppen, Yogi's whist or BoS is played with that hand. Fines are doubled if you lose a game you voted for. If the dealing was incorrect for the game voted in, the dealer drinks a fine. Any jokers should be exchanged for real cards before play starts if the elected game is tøppen or BoS.


Glengariff 99

Ninety-nine is played with a full deck, including as many jokers as are available. Each player is dealt four cards, and the remaining cards are placed in a central pile, face down, except for the topmost remaining card with is turned face up. This card acts as if it had been played by the dealer. The player next to the dealer in the direction of deal is first to play (unless the turned-up card is a reverse - see below).

The aim of the game is to continue being able to play. If at any point a player cannot play, that player's cards are placed face down on the table, and a fine must be imbibed proportional to the number of players who are still in the game.

During play, a total is kept (verbally, by the player who has just changed it in each case). Each card played may affect this total. The total can never exceed 99, so a player may not play a card which would cause the total to exceed this figure - and as mentioned above, a player who cannot play goes out. The total is started at zero, but the turn-up card affects it.

When playing, a player puts the card played face-up on top of the pile of played cards (or the turn-up card in the case of the first player), and the current total is spoken. That player may then pick up a replacement card off the unplayed pile, unless precluded by the rules below. When the pile of unplayed cards becomes empty, the top card of the played cards is retained as if it was the turn-up card, and the remaining played pile is turned over to form a new source pile. The pack is not shuffled in doing so, although it should be shuffled thoroughly between games. After each game, deal revolves in the direction of dealing.

The effect of each card is as follows:

Ace
Adds one or fourteen to the total, at the player's discretion
Two
Adds two to the total
Three
Adds three to the total
Four
Does not affect the total, but reverses the direction of play
Five
Adds five to the total, and skips the next player
Six
Adds six to the total
Seven
Adds seven to the total, and reverses the direction of play
Eight
Adds eight to the total
Nine
Makes the total 99
Ten
Adds or subtracts ten from the total, at the player's discretion
Jack
Adds eleven to the total
Queen
Does not affect the total, but the next player cannot pick up after playing a card. However, if the next player plays a queen, the effect is cumulative until a player who does not play a queen is reached. That player must play a number of cards (all of which count) equal to the number of consecutive queens which have been played, and may not pick up replacement cards for any of them.
King
Does not affect the total
Joker
Makes the total 99

This game is derived from Icelandic 99, which has identical rules except that queens, fives and sevens do not have their special effects.


Pontoon

CUTwC sometimes plays a variant on Pontoon (or Blackjack). In the CUTwC version, the dealer provides each player (including himself) with a card, face down. The players look at that card, put it face-down on the table, and then place a number of fingers from one to four on the card, indicating the amount they are willing to risk on whether they are likely to beat the dealer. A second card is then dealt face-down to each player, again including the dealer.

With the aim of getting a total nearer to, but not over, 21 than the dealer does, each player in turn is offered the chance to "stick" (receive no more cards), "twist" (be given a card face-up, such that everyone can see the card) or "buy" (be given a card face-down so that only the player sees the card, and increasing the bid by one) additional cards - one cannot buy once one has twisted, but one can buy and then twist. Most cards have their numerical value; face cards are worth ten, and aces are worth a choice of one or eleven.

A player who has an ace plus a ten or face card in the first two cards must demonstrate this when it is there turn by turning over their non-ace card - a pontoon beats any other hand (CUTwC does not treat three sevens as special, nor does it make a distinction between a numerical or royal ponteoon). A "five card trick" (five cards less than or equal to 21) beats any other hand. If the two cards in a player's hand are identical, the player has the option to split, and be given two additional cards (this can be done repeatedly, but only with the two initial cards); the player then gets to play multiple hands, each with the initial bid placed on it.

If a player "goes bust" (has a total more than 21) he must say so immediately and return his cards to the dealer, who should place them on the bottom of the pack. One does not shuffle in Pontoon.

When each player has got to the point of sticking or going bust, the dealer gets to play. The dealer is playing against the players still present, and can make intelligent decisions (rather than applying fixed rules as in a casino). When the dealer's hand is finished, the dealer drinks for every finger bid by the players who beat him, and the players drink for every finger they bid if they lose. If there is a tie, the dealer wins. If the winning hand is a pontoon, the amount drunk by the dealer doubles. If the dealer goes bust, any player who has not also gone bust wins, and the dealer drinks their bids. For obvious reasons, the deal rotates.


Pigs

CUTwC often plays Pass The Pigs. In this game, each player in turn sets a target score, which must be beaten by the next player. Scoring is as normal in pigs: 1 for a "sider" (both pigs on the same side), 5 for a "backer" or "trotter" (one pig on its back or feet), ten for a "snouter" (pig on its nose), 15 for a "leaning jowler" (pig leaning on its nose and ear). Other than a single sider, scores are cumulative for the two pigs, and two identical pigs quadruples the score of a single one (so a double leaning jowler scores 60 and a trotter-backer-backer-trotter-combo scores ten).

A pig which does not fall into position correctly (usually a "backsider" half way between back and side) is called a mutant, and must be re-thrown. The player must otherwise throw both pigs at once. If a pig falls on the floor (pig abuse) or the pigs support each other (making bacon) the player's total returns to zero. If the pigs land one on each side (one with a spot, one without), the player has "pigged out" and his turn ends.

A player can pass at any point where his score strictly exceeds his predecessors. A player attempting to score more than this and failing through pigging out, pig abuse or making bacon will drink a number of pencils equal to the number of throws in his turn. A player who does not reach the target drinks by the shortfall formula: for a score difference of greater than 69, the fine is the log base 2 of the difference in fingers, rounded down. Otherwise, the fine is the difference rounded up to the next multiple of five, divided by five, plus one, divided by two - in fingers. Note that a delta of 69 is "69 is seventy is fourteen is fifteen is seven and a half" - more than a delta of 70 (seven fingers).

A player who is not successfully passed a target by a previous player has a target of five (which must be beaten, so the minimum successful score for a "pig master" is six). A score of zero is traditionally "pathos".

When the score passes a multiple of fifty, there is a (pencil's) team fine. A new high score (that must be passed) of greater than fifty is traditionally welcomed by a team sip.

There is often a random "reversage" indicator which reverses the direction of passing.

A variant called "misère pigs" requires that the player not pass until he pigs out. Making bacon or pig abuse doubles the score at the time of that throw. A player drinks for the amount in excess of the previous player, if any, that he scores, in the reverse of normal pigs.


Liar dice

CUTwC has been known to play with poker dice, in a closed container. Each player must state the number of dice (possibly zero) that he is rolling, then make a claim about the hand which is being passed. The recipient can choose to accept the dice, or dispute that the player has got the claimed hand, which is done by opening the box towards the player. A correct challenge results in the challenged player drinking and starting again; an incorrect challenge has the same consequences for the challenger.

Note that the hand in the box has to be at least as good as the claim, but not an exact match (e.g. a full house is a valid hand to claim as "a pair"). Each player must increase the bid from the previous hand, except that if five aces are accepted, the player must attempt this by rolling all five dice. Hands increase minimally - for example, "an unspecified pair" is beaten by "a pair of nines", then "a pair of tens", then "a pair of jacks" etc. up to "a pair of aces", then "an unspecified two pair". Two pairs are normally described as "value and value" (e.g. "tens and nines") and a full house is described as the value of three dice "on" the value of the pair (e.g. "jacks on queens"). A low straight or high straight may be known as "a low/high dead-end bid" because of the difficulty improving it. A hand which contains nothing (except ace-high) is known as "Hancock's brain".


CUTwC have also been known to play The Great Dalmuti (by Wizards of the Coast), but since they're likely to be picky about copyright and the rules are on their site (as well as coming with the cards, which are not typical playing cards), I won't repeat them here. To turn it into a drinking game, however, there has to be a fining mechanism. The system used by CUTwC is that a) a fine is drunk by each player still in the game whenever anybody goes out, and b) at the end of each round, each player who fell any places must drink a number of fining units equal to the number of places fallen. The current Great Dalmuti is considered finesmaster for as long as he holds that post. The game is normally played on pencils, and is suitable for a number of players between five and nine.


Crunchy Beetles

CUTwC sometimes plays 6 Nimmt!, usually known either as a mis-heard "sex nymphs" or as "crunchy beetles" (because Stew thought the bull's head looks like a beetle). Players drink for each "beetle" scored, with each beetle being worth a fifth of a finger.


SEPTIC Hold 'Em

CUTwC does play poker. In SEPTIC hold 'em, each new round must start with a raise, and two cards are placed face up in the centre before bidding continues. In Anne Austin Hold 'Em, there is a round of bidding before the first two cards are turned up, and the instigator of a new rounds can check. Bids are in fifth-fingers.